hello again

It's amazing how long it takes to build something up and how it only takes seconds to tear it down. Am I right or am I right? (This is my blog therefore I'm right.)

This is my blog I've neglected for over a month. But just like Britney Spears post shaved head & meltdown, I'M BAAAACK. Actually I never went anywhere and who am I to think the internet cares about these words?

But oh how I've missed it.

Here are some updates on my life:

1. I got a real job. (!!!!!!!!!) Exciting! You know who's more excited than anyone about it? Sallie Mae, that triflin' hoe. If you don't know who Sallie Mae is I hate you and we can't be friends.

2. Improv is going swell. Also taking over my life, also in a good way. It's fun to get on stage and act like an idiot, but an idiot who is thinking and not just a buffoon but mostly just ends up becoming a buffoon. Ya catch my drift?

3. I'm reading the greatest fanfiction I've ever read, just letting you know. It's a Narnia fanfiction and it's honestly the best writing I've read in awhile. Which brings me to my next point:

4. I recently read "The Fault in Our Stars" - if you haven't read this you must go to the closest bookstore, knock over the hipsters journaling in their moleskins, and buy this book. It will make you weep and laugh and sigh.Oh it's spectacular.

* * * 

Lately I've had a lot of "Ahhh" moments in my life. The good & the bad. There have been those moments where I'm driving home from work, in my car and I am sitting there and I'm just amazed. I never, ever want to let go of these moments.

There's also been lots of moments of AHHHHH what am I doing who am I what is wrong with the inside of my brain am I okay I miss home. I think it's good to balance both of these kinds of moments in the swings of life.

Recently God has been opening my heart to the power of community and prayer. The other night I sat with one of my best friends if not my best friend, and we held each other as our community group laid hands on us and prayed. Prayed strong and true and real and it was one of the most moving experiences of my life. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and for friendship. I am humbled. Lord, thank you for humbling me. 

* * * 

The Lord is real and good. I need to say this over and over again. I need to remind myself of this because it's so easy to forget it, to let it slip away in the anxiety and worry and pressure and stress. 

The Lord is REAL. And Lord knows, I'm thankful for that. 

fanfictions i wish someone would write Part 1 (maybe i will maybe i won't I'M UNDECIDED OKAY?)

"You're Still My Best Girl Cora"

Titanic Fanfiction

I've had this idea for years, ask my closest friends. Here's the plot: Rose is the one who actually froze to death in the freezing Atlantic waters and our precious Jack escaped! And so did....CORA! Yes! Remember the little girl he danced with and he's all "You're still my best girl Cora!" Okay, bear with me. I'm taking artistic liberties here and saying that Cora was about 10 when the Titanic sunk. Jack was probably like 20, at the OLDEST. We'll say he's 19. So there's a 9 year difference. Anyway, both survive and DUN DUN DUN! It's 9 years later in NYC! Jack is 29, Cora is 19, they meet by a choice twist of fate and WAHH-LAHHH. Jack is still nursing his heart over Rose's death and who better than to help him than Cora herself? They fall in love, there's some drama with an epic scene where Cora is all like "JACK! I'm not Rose, I'll never be Rose, you have to forget her!" And it all ends with a gorgeous yet simple wedding. You're welcome.

"Monday"

The Breakfast Club Fanfiction

Pretty self explanatory...WHAT IN THE WORLD ACTUALLY HAPPENED MONDAY? I know there's some little fifteen year old who wrote this somewhere, but I'm waiting for a great one. You know, one with the same traces of perfect humor and painful angst that the movie provides. Come on.

"The Sound of a Smile"

Holes Fanfiction

Alright, I admit it. I already wrote this one myself when I was like, fifteen. Remember that brilliant Louis Sachar book from our childhood? Here, I'll just leave you with the summary of my own story: Lucy Dodgers is sent to Camp Greenlake, and it's not really a big deal. Lucy's different though...and no, not same amazing Mary-Sue different. She's blind. The story's mostly about learning to accept differences and looking past the exterior.

....what was wrong with me? No really, what was wrong with me?

"You're Killing Me Smalls....Literally, Someone Help"

The Sandlot Fanfiction

A horror fic about Smalls going berserk and killing people. Sorry.

"My Little Football Head"

Hey Arnold! Fanfiction

We all want Helga and Arnold together, am I right or am I right? Chanelle and I were watching Hey Arnold! on netflix the other night (BECAUSE EVERY EPISODE EVER IS ON THERE AND HOW AMAZING IS THAT??!?!?!?) and we decided to be weird and google image: Hey Arnold fanfiction. And this came up:

This is the single most amazing disturbing thing I have seen on the internet. BWHAHA.

These are just a few of the ideas that pop into my strange little mind while I'm watching a movie or television or reading a book. Don't worry, I have PLENTY more. 

WEEEEEE.

why phillip phillips is ruining everything

If you know me then you know that I am a swooner. It's just a thing I do, okay? I swoon! Sue me!

I swoon over lots of things. Kittens. Babies. Amazing literary moments (ie: Ron and Hermione's kiss). Songs. Banjos. A well made latte. Old lovey couples. Young lovey couples. You name it, I will probably swoon.

Lately there seems to be nothing more swoon worthy than a certain American Idol winning, Georgia born, soulful guy named PHILLIP FREAKING PHILLIPS.

Ugh, just stop it Phillip Phillips with your stupid name and even stupider good looks. I can't. Take. IT!!!

I was driving home from work the other night and PP's song, "Gone, Gone, Gone" came on and that was it. I was done. Off to Swoonville where I live in the Burrow and Zac Efron is everywhere and we can all eat as much chocolate as we want and no one gets heavy or Diabetes.

It's really an issue and here's why; HIS SONGS ARE SO UNREALISTIC AND FOOLISH. It's as if PP sat in a room with a few label execs and said, "Okay team. Let's write a song where every single line is perfectly designed to make a woman's ovaries explode and her heart melt into a cardiovascular fondue fountain." PERFECCTTT!!

Would you like a taste of this obscene wonder?

"When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights
I'll lie cheat I'll beg and bribe
to make you well, make you well
When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from more if
you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
to make you well to make you well."

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOPPPPP! I don't want to deal with all these FEELSSS Phillip Phillips. I'm not even going to touch on the slighly messed up cheating and lying and bribing (that's just wrong PP!) but come on!

This is redonk. Silly. Over the top. Like it's so nice it's just FUNNY. There are so many unrealistic expectations set up with this song for every party involved. Because if Phillip Phillips were to really song a relatable love song it'd go something like this:

"You're such an amazing texter it's hard to believe
I'll like your instagram photos cuz you got an awesome feed
Maybe we can hang out and split the bill
Because we're not sure if we're more than friends or how we really feel."

I feel like I wouldn't enjoy this as much but STILL AT LEAST IT'D BE REALISTIC. Am I right? Am I right? Alright, yes, I'll still listen to PP but still, I don't think there's anyone who can write a more swoon worthy song than this kid. Woof.

If I Instagrammed What My Life Was Really Like I Think I Would Scare Everyone

It's true. I'm just like any other gal living in Los Angeles! I want to instagram that pretty sunset over the Valley! I want to snap a picture of my trendy latte art at an obscure cafe in Silverlake and seem really cool!!!!! I WANT TO WEAR QUIRKY TIGHTS AND TAKE A PICTURE OF MY COOL SHOES ON A WORN OUT BRICK ROAD THAT'S ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST IN WEST LA.

Does this make me a bad person? Don't answer that. But what I'm sure it does is paint a picture of a life that I'm not really living. Who instagrams the real messed up shit we all actually go through? Like how ADORABLE would it be if I posted a picture on instagram of my face screwed up in worry with the caption, "Having a panic attack! Yeee!"

No.

I'm so obsessed with wanting everyone out there thinking I'm living this wonderful, happy, carefree west coast life. It's stupid. I'm not. No one lives that life unless you're a cartoon character in which case CAN WE PLEASE BE FRIENDS. 

The more I try to make it seem one way, the more it's the other. Instead of just living and breathing and waking up each morning with a heart full of gratitude, I wake up with a heart full of worry and anxiety and stress. And occasionally there are moments when I feel so full my heart could explode. But it should be the opposite way. I should feel full of wonder and awe with OCCASIONAL stress and anxiety and worry.

Our Creator didn't Create us to have us fret all the hours of our days. I don't want that. That's why I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the little minutes. Like the morning light through my living room, the gentle glow it creates as I sip my tea.

Like the strangers that I meet at work; the amazement in their eyes as I take them around the studio, the kindness they show and their genuine smiles.

Like my legs moving as I run under bending trees, breathing in the salty sea air wafting up from the beach. 

Like the text from an old friend that reminds me of my roots and when I was thirteen and summertime in Philadelphia.

Because, really, this:

Is actually more like this:

And as my boy Tupac once said, "That's just the way it is."

So ya big lugs! That's my goal. To slow down and not care about how others perceive my life.  Because I am His Beloved! We all are AND THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME I SAY WE JUST HAVE A BIG OL BELOVED PARTY.

Ya sweet thangs.

what we learn when we're alone

So much of my life is spent in sitting alone in my car waiting - 

waiting in traffic. 

Waiting to meet friends, waiting for work to start, waiting for practice, or class, or a show. 

Waiting.

I spend a lot of time alone here in Los Angeles. Wandering through familiar streets, sitting and reading and thinking until my brain feels like it's going to explode with the dizzying amount of thoughts that fill it up. I also spend a lot of time with friends, with coworkers, with my church but it is sometimes in these moments of being alone that I learn and think and wade through the complete mess that is myself. 

Being alone is a little scary. I like to go go GO and then when I'm at rest, I freak out. I can't shut my thoughts off. They all hit me hard and fast and it's so consuming.

I need more money.

I hate Sallie Mae.

Why doesn't Narnia exist.

I should work out.

Should I cut my hair?

Why doesn't Narnia exist.

I should write.

I really don't wanna work out.

But I really should lose weight.

Ugh.

I was sitting in my car alone the other day, on the phone with my old Young Life leader. Aren't Young Life leaders the best? Even so many years later, even 3,000 miles away, I can sit in my car and bawl my eyes out to my Young Life leader even though I'm not a high school girl anymore. That's why I love that ministry so much. I was sitting there, crying and pouring all my gunk out and she helped me come to the realization that I'm so distracted by everything that I can't even hear God. And that made me pause.

I can't even HEAR God. And maybe I'm not even listening. Because I'm never sitting still, ever. Even when I'm "alone" I'm not really alone. I'm scrolling through Instagram, I'm texting someone, I'm listening to music, I'm filling my mind with something always at every given moment. 

But oh how I yearn to hear that quiet, still whisper of the Lord! How even amidst my loudness, my joking around and little quips and amidst work and improv and writing and friends - amidst all of this, what my soul yearns for is to hear God. To feel Him, His arms holding me and His love surrounding me. And if I long for that so much, why can't I just sit still and let it consume me? Why can't I truly be alone with God when I'm alone?

I think no matter where we are it might always be hard to stay focused on God, but something about a big city like Los Angeles really makes it difficult. But that's my cry and that's my prayer. That in the middle of this loud and vibrant and WEIRD and strange and scary and amazing city, that I can hear God. That I can hear Him and I can listen to Him. And to know that even when I feel like I'm alone, I'm really not at all.